my nightmare.

First written on September 4th at 3:39 am in my notebook. 
I am starting to have nightmares.

I fell asleep during Beauty and the Beast downstairs.

I just woke up.

I was asleep for about 45 minutes to 1 hour. 

I couldn’t go back to sleep, so I just took my Ambien for tonight.

I’m starting to feel anxious.

I want to watch my movie again, 

but I can’t watch it in my room nor can I sleep downstairs. 

So I’ve decided to try and write down each thought thats tangled in my mind.

I am anxious.

I am antsy.  

I am itchy.

I want to jump out of my own skin.

I hear the cricks and cracks of the house and of Seen getting up to go to the restroom & I know what the sounds are - but they’re still scaring me. 

I can hear something else.

But I can’t quite put my finger on it.

I can’t explain it. 

I have the feeling that someone’s watching me. 

You know, like in the horror movies. Where the victim is looking down and is completely unaware that the murderer is right behind them with a knife?

Thats what it feels like. Thats how I feel.

Someone’s watching me. I know there is.

I can see them. 

And they can see me.

But I can’t see their faces. So I’m not really hallucinating. 

Its like - when you’re trying to remember someones face.

So you close your eyes.

It’s dark.

You need to remember their face.

So you close them tighter.

And you can almost see their face.

An outline, perhaps.

You just catch a glimpse of their appearance. 

It’s like that.

I can almost see him.

This man.

This creature.

And its scary.

So I don’t want to sleep.

I feel as if he’s just waiting for me to fall asleep.

And when I do, something bad will happen.

I won’t sleep.

I feel like a little girl who is terrified of the monster living under her bed. 

Or the demon in her closet.

Of the creatures haunting her in the night; hidden in the shadows.

Just waiting.

I try to draw him. To use paints to better describe him.

His big, black and soulless eyes.

His unhinged jaw.

His shadowlike being - concealed in some sort of ratty fabric or jacket.

Sometimes his hood covers his face so its hard to see him at all.

But I know he’s there.

Whether he’s behind, above or beneath me. I know he’s here. 

I know he’s real.

He tells me.

HE TELLS ME. How much more fucking real can one thing get?

He wants to touch me.

To grab me.

Take me.

I get the feeling that his atrocious hands are right above me. So I constantly cringe and cower - refusing to life my head from my pad of paper.

I’m afraid of him. 

I’m afraid that if I look up, I’ll see him for real.

And take away the chances of this just being a bad dream.

** this happens frequently with or without Ambien. A side effect of Ambien is hallucinations, so at first, this is what I thought it was. But this was occurring way before I had ever taken it.**